Saturday, May 12, 2007

Paris Hilton, Mormons, and three kinds of stupid

I'm not usually one to get involved in petty celebrity news--and let's face it, saying "celebrity news" is like saying "fishnet condom" (it just doesn't matter)--but every great once in a while some prominent personality does or says something so unbelievably thick-headed, that I just have to cast my beanie into a ring that I know is already chock full of other bloggers' hats.

Paris Hilton...that name will either rivet you to the computer screen like Gary Glitter to Sesame Street, or will send you running screaming into the night. As most of you already know, the heiress (read "bony-ass zombie skank") has been sentenced by a California judge to 45 days in jail for driving on two occasions with a suspended license. Now, I can deal with that...that's just "wave at Stevie Wonder-stupid;" everyone makes absentminded mistakes.

It wasn't long, however, before she moved into the realm of desperation, asking her fans (read "short bus") to pass around a petition to relieve her of her sentence. Desperate, but one wants to go to prison.

As more and more details come out regarding the petition, though, I get the feeling that Paris ate about three buckets a day of flaming Elmer's Glue when she was a child.

The petition states that Paris should not go to prison because of, and I quote: "the beauty and excitement that she brings to our otherwise mundane lives," and because she is "notable for her roles in...The Simple Life, and the remake of Vincent Price classic House of Wax."

No one even bothers to point out that those last two things are reasons that she, along with her executive producers, should have been sent to prison.

In any case, I should probably just act in accordance with my own verdict here and conclude by saying that Paris Hilton is like a Jehovah's Witness at 6 in the morning...ignore her, and she'll go away.

If not, release the hounds.

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