Sunday, January 14, 2007

Dear God help me, I'm writing about Jay-Z

As the title of this entry should imply, this topic involves an individual about whom I would usually care not to write; my sentiments towards many celebrities flow in a similar vein. At the same time, I must regretfully acknowledge the ironclad grip that celebrities seem to possess over us. The sheer extravagance, eccentricity, or absurdity that seems to pervade many of their lives are the rancid turds to our common fly. Thusly, equally as a result of their position and influence in life, as well as our susceptibility to vicarious living and interest in the wealthy elite, celebrities carry with them a responsibility to act as an example and to utilize their fame to the most universally beneficient ends possible.

With that out of the way, let us now get down to business. It has recently been reported that rapper/mogul Jay-Z (or "Jigga" or "Big Goofy Douche") has teamed up with GM to design a new customized version of the Denali, officially dubbed the "Jay-Z Blue," though it is already being nicknamed the "Big Pimpin'-Mobile." And Jesus wept.

Now, I wouldn't begrudge anyone his payoff who has worked his ass off for over a decade (which Mr. Z has done) doing something about which he is passionate. Eat your caviar, drink your fine wines and $80 vodka. Date Beyonce; I would too. But...

The Denali has consistently ranked among the worst commercially available vehicles available in terms of gas mileage, usually clocking in at somewhere between 15-17 miles per gallon. Never mind that it never fails to rank as one of the worst gas-guzzlers on the market today; on top of all that, it is exempt from new CAFE regulations that have been put in place to increase gas mileage on pickups and SUVs by 2011, due to its Gross Vehicle Weight Rating of over 8,500 lbs, a figure that doesn't even take into account load capacity.

In short, this is exactly what we need: another high-profile, immeasurably influential celebrity promoting a product that is blatantly detrimental to the environment and the green movement, a product that 98% of Americans can't afford to buy or maintain, and a product that 0% of Americans actually need.

The wheels on the unabashedly capitalistic machine go round and round...round and round...


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